Dysfunctional???

I typically love Wednesdays. The part time helper comes on Wednesdays and we come back to a super clean and sparkly home. It's the mid-week, and I know the weekends are around the corner. So it's always a lovely feeling....except today. I text D to find out if he will be back Fri or Sat. I was expecting Sat anyway.... but definitely NOT Saturday night!!!! That's like literally loosing 1 day in the weekend already. My next thoughts, would he be back for Isabelle's birthday party at school? He said yes, he told his boss, but did not receive a clear go ahead, but was still going ahead with his decision anyway. For the record, we are bringing forward Isabelle's celebration at school to Monday instead of the actual day due to D's work commitments. And I started feeling upset, what job keeps you from your family even on weekends and almost does not allow you to celebrate your child's birthday? The irony of it all...I was upset for 1 minute (typically I may even burst out in tears in front of my work PC or start ranting away), but this time I was calm again like last Sunday. Reflecting on this on my way back from work, I wondered if I am seriously numbed from all the unpredictability of D's work commitments and even his absence.

Just a couple of days ago, I had lunch with a colleague turned friend. She wanted to confide in me and ask for my advise as she felt her family living arrangements were rather dysfunctional. Now, to me dysfuctional has always been a rather strong word referring to broken families or where there is drug, abuse or violence. So I was rather shocked when she used the word dysfunctional and said she was even depressed about it. To make things a little clearer, she has 2 kids who are looked after by her parents, she works a 3 day week and doesnt see her kids till Wednesday night or even Thursdays. Occassionaly if work permits and she is home early, the elder son comes home on a Monday or Tuesday night. At age 3, he is rather confused which is his real home cos he is always "moving homes". He has also started manipulating the parents to sending the younger brother to the grandparents so he can have personal time with them. She misses her kids badly, but her health is not good either, and she has to work long hours and her parents live on the other end of the island. I feel really sorry for her, cos it's a very torn feeling as a mother when you are so close and yet so far from your own children.

This led me to think a lot about our family situation. The main question; are we a dysfunctional family too? Does our living arrangement give a wrong impression of a complete family structure to Isabelle and thus create insecurities for her? Are we as parents in denial that everything is alright as long as we can manage/juggle family life and our work commitments? I know many parents out there who have jobs which require frequent travel or are demanding in other ways, but comparatively I think D spends very little time with Isabelle. To be exact I think he spends 2 weekends and possibly 2 weekdays max in a month with us, that makes it only 6 days in total per month! To add to it all, we don't have family members with us here all the time to reinforce the family structure. So to Isabelle, I am her one and all, and it already shows very very clearly from the way she clings on to me. And so I am deeply saddened today when I reflected about this.

My greatest blessing to date; Isabelle is a very happy child. At this point in her life, she does not realise how different our family is versus her friends out there. She is very happy and contented, and people who know me say it's amazing she's turned out so well, so cheerful, so healthy and fine and radiant - I pray she stays this way. But I see the difference. When it's the 2 of us, she's happy and very well behaved. Even at this age, she knows and understands what misbehaviour upsets me and is quick to feel apologetic. When D is back, she comes alive, running about our home and giggling away. I see her cheekiness and playfulness, and this is what every child her age should be. It's sad in a way that she is forced to grow up so fast. But thankfully, it's not affecting her yet at this moment.

On the other hand, I think I have suffered the effects of it all. It's not that I am indifferent to whether D is around anymore, but more a sense of helplessness. So what if I am upset or unhappy... what can I do? I still need to move on with life. There are days that I get depressed cos I feel like a single mother, that all the responsibilities to care, feed, educate, nurture is all on me.

Sorry, it's a depressing post today, but I really needed to pour my thoughts and reflections out somewhere. It makes things all clearer to me now what decisions we need to make to change things and get out of this dysfunctional lifestyle