Feelings of Guilt

25 Jul - I learned my hardest lesson in motherhood, and experienced my 1st deepest feeling of guilt towards Isabelle. Many friends will know that Isabelle has always been my 1st priority. I turn down dinner appointments, gatherings if I know there is no family member to look after Isabelle in my place. But this time, I took the chance. I thought that as long as I was back for Isabelle's milk feed and to put her to bed, everything will be alright.

Well, things looked ok at the start. Milk feed was fine, but bedtime was a disaster. I thought that Isabelle could go to bed as per her usual routine, but she was unusually naughty, hyperactive. She wanted to play and I was annoyed with her as it was bedtime. The more I forced her to go to bed, the more she refused and that's when the tantrums started. She did not want me to go near her, touch her, hug her. She wailed at the top of her voice, crying non stop, screaming. This went on for 2 hours. By 11pm, I was getting very upset. Isabelle must have started to feel tired too. She was now wailing very pitifully, I was traumatised and started to break down. Finally she agreed to let me hold her, and we played the usual YouTubes, I sang all her favourite songs...and soon enough, she warmed up to me again and wanted me to cuddle her. And of course...soon she was ready to sleep.

Reflecting back, she must have wanted to play cos she missed our regular playtime after dinner. Reflecting back, she just wanted my attention....but all I wanted was to get her in bed. I had a long day at work, I enjoyed myself with my friends, I was tired...and so I was eager to get her into bed. What an unreasonable mother I was! It made me feel terribly guilty upon reflection. I felt so bad, I broke down that night. Why oh why did I give in to temptation and step away from my usual stand? I had always stood firm to be there for Isabelle, but I took a break instead.

A good friend, knowing what I went thru, wrote me a very encouraging message not to blame myself. That i deserved some ME time too. I don't deny I really want a break, but I think I will most probably not do this ever again. The guilt I felt... and thinking back how pitifully Isabelle cried breaks my heart. Am i being too hard on myself? Maybe...but I am willing to sacrifice all for my baby. This friend reminded me that kids don't remember much of their early years before 3, that this is just a phase. No doubt again, and I guess I wont expect Isabelle to remember all I have done. I just want to be the best mother I can be to Isabelle. It doesn't matter so much if she remembers or not, more importantly, I have given my all!

I am very thankful though for her final words of encouragement. Motherhood is for life. Each bad experience will only make us stronger. But remember to enjoy all the little moments. How true indeed! It's easy to get fixated with routines we establish, in grooming the perfect toddler, to be the perfect parent. But it's also important to treasure that smile, laugh, touch,.... well, everything....they are all precious moments.