The FIve Love Languages

Sorry for the week's break. Isabelle came down with a cough overnight last weekend, which led to a fever and sent us to the paed 2 consecutive days in a row. At first, the paed diagnosed her with a throat infection & a mild cough, but the next day the fever spiked to 39 degrees, and that's when I sensed something was wrong. We went back the next day, and true enough, her bronchitis was just about to set in. Thankfully, I spotted it early and with antibiotics and her ventolin and flixotide inhaler, she is mostly recovered now. The thing I've learned about caring for an asthma toddler is not to take anything for granted, and that a mild cough may be more potent than those loud hacking phlegmy cough. Some symptoms to watch out for also include not being able to sleep through the night and fevers which spike and can range from 39-40 degrees.

Anyway, back to my parenting course, the last 2 weeks were focused on understanding our child's Five Love Languages. This basically focuses on understanding and meeting our child's needs as each one them is unique and different, building their self-confidence by letting them know they are loved, and filling up their emotional tanks.

The Five Ways of Expressing Love (based on "The FIve Love Languages of CHildren" by Gary Chapman and ROss Campbell) include
(1) Affirming Words
(2) Affectionate Touch
(3) One to one time
(4) Thoughtful presents
(5) Kind Actions

Affirming Words - Our words can affect how children think about themselves for the rest of their lives, far more than we can imagine. Words of affirmation gives them an instant boost to their confidence, and it is easy to say them when our child is doing things right, making great developments, achieveing milestones. But what if they encounter a failure? How then do we correct their mistakes without condemning them and creating negativity? This was a good reflection for myself cos I think it is so easy now to manage a toddler overcoming her failures, but may get easily overlooked once we get sucked in by the high demands of the education system here in the near future.

Affectionate Touch - understanding that physical contact is vital to a child, both boys and girls. This comes naturally for me, and there are always plenty of hugs & kisses in our home. It was more difficult for the husband, as he comes from a very conservative family and his parents have never hugged or kissed him in his life. But he has since learnt that love multiplies each time we give a hug & kiss to Isabelle, as she returns them in many many folds to us. Her current favourite is singing "Shimmery Dinky DInky Doo" and at the part when she sings "I Love YOu" she would just literally pounce on us and give us a big hug & kiss. It touched the husband so much, he couldnt stop smiling and hugging Isabelle that she was so overjoyed. I have since learnt that Affectionate Touch is one of Isabelle's key love language especially at this phase of her life, as she immediately perks up everytime we give her a hug or a kiss.

One on One Time - this is even more important if there is more than one child in the family, but no less if there is an only child. All children crave to be noticed and it is important to create a special time with him/her. The key takeaway was putting conscious effort to plan for this special time. Each parent should spend their own one on one time with the child, and it would be even more special if the parent takes on the activity which he/she is least interested in with the child; e.g. mummy playing soccer with her son or daddy watching her little gal's ballet lesson. Putting the child's interest as your own is an immediate booster to the child's self-esteem and making the child feel loved.

Thoughtful Presents - presents need not be expensive but they must have a high emotional value. I guess the key thing is putting effort and thought into the present. It could be a present which the child has been longing for but has not expressed. It could be just some simple treats like sweets or a love note. It could even be a home cooked meal. Basically the present should express "I have been thinking about you son/daughter, and this is what I have for you" or "I know you are feeling low, here's something to cheer you up".

Kind Actions - basically this means expressing our gratitude for whatever little acts done by our children. Accepting their kind attemps and helpful actions despite the imperfections. The key takeaway here was on how we often overlook our children's desire to help us and their efforts; like if they help to fold the clothes and we comment it was not folded neat enough, or they wash the dishes and we comment that they have used too much water, too much soap and the dishes are not washed clean; or if they sweep the floor and we comment that there are still areas not clean. It is almost human nature to point out the defects but little do we realise that this immediately crushes the emotions of our children. Kind actions also comes in the form of our willingness to do things for our children. When we are asked for an additional story at bedtime - do we do it willingly? If we are tired, do we turn down the request in a good tone or do we show our tiredness & moodiness to our children? Our attitude and response to a request; whether we choose to accede to the request or not, is an expression of love itself.

All the above was a good reminder & reflection to myself. Someone raised a good point in the sharing. Do we sometimes unconsciously decide the love language for our child because that is the one we lacked most in our childhood? Perhaps, and it isn't wrong too. But we need to also understand our child's needs as one love language may be more important than others to him/her. Of course, if we could have a balance of all 5, that would be even more perfect!